


Three Hearts Broken

by vodkanime



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Crying, Forgive Me, Heart Transplant, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mutual Pining, lots of surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 03:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4651236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vodkanime/pseuds/vodkanime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daichi is visited after his surgery by a stranger who tells him he's been given the heart of his dead lover. The problem is, Daichi's falling in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (Love At) First Sight

Daichi woke up from his surgery feeling like he'd been run over by a train. From the inside. Like he'd been cut open, had a log rammed into him, and then been sewn shut again. It was scary, getting operated on, and having pieces of him sliced open when he couldn't do anything about it. He was just glad they'd knocked him out, although he couldn't imagine them doing it while he was awake. Some surgeries, you could do that. Probably not surgeries like Daichi's.

Though he would be able to get out of the hospital soon, he wouldn't be able to actually do anything, like play volleyball or walk up stairs or drink too much coffee. Stairs in general were just a danger zone, and coffee, in general, was out until they told him otherwise. But Daichi was relieved he'd gotten his faulty organ switched out so soon in the school year: with a speedy recovery, he had a chance to play in a tournament, even if the chance was slim. The captain would take what he could get, honestly. He couldn't afford to be complaining when he'd just dodged heart failure.

He'd gotten plenty of visitors, mostly team or family members, and already had a big stack of gifts and cards from friends wishing him well. Daichi was a little surprised at how many people wanted him to get better. More schoolmates than he would have ever expected had turned up in his room for just a few minutes, asking him how he was, and when he'd be back in class. The team visited multiple times a week, together or just a few odd people, and that was nice. Suga came in plenty, as did Nishinoya. Asahi never came by himself, but he still came.

But today, there was somebody here to visit that Daichi didn't recognize. Not in the casual 'whose great-aunt are you?' sort of way, which he'd had more than enough experience with in his hospital stay, but in a way that made Daichi wonder if he'd taken a wrong turn, gotten lost on the way to see someone else. Not that he looked like he was lost; quite the opposite. He looked like Daichi's hospital room was undoubtedly where he was supposed to be.

The stranger was tall, with an athletic build and a kind face. He had dark hair that fell into his face and stuck up a tiny bit in the back, but it looked like he wanted it that way. Ordinarily, this towering stranger in sweats and a red sports jacket might have intimidated Daichi, especially since he was unable to do anything other than lie in bed while his foreign new organ healed into his body, but today, that wasn't the vibe coming from him. He seemed unsure, his eyes on his feet and his posture a little slouched. In his arms was a small bouquet of flowers, and the plastic around them faintly rattled as he moved.

"I'm sorry, can I sit down?"

Daichi smiled. "Of course. I'm sorry if I just don't remember, but... Do I know you from somewhere?"

"No, I don't think we've ever met. My name's Tets-- Kuroo. It's Kuroo."

"It's nice to meet you. I hope it's not too rude to ask why you're here? I mean..."

The visitor, Kuroo, got up and put the flowers he'd brought next to another, much fancier bouquet. "I hope it's not forward of me, bringing flowers when we-- I've never met you. He sounded like he was choosing his words carefully.

"No, thank you for those, they're lovely! I'm just wondering why you would visit someone that you don't know. Unless you're family I haven't met yet?" Daichi laughed and Kuroo headed back to the chair near the bed. "I can't seem to keep track of all the distant cousins I've become aware of recently."

Kuroo grinned at him and Daichi's breath left him. He really was... He was really hot, Daichi had to admit.

"God, no, nothing like that, although I sympathize," He said. "You can't even run away from them while you're in here."

"No, but I do have a wheelchair I could theoretically use in an emergency escape."

"Oh, good, it's so good to be prepared." And they both laughed, Kuroo flashing a set of neat, white teeth. Daichi didn't notice teeth, why was he making note of Kuroo's? They were nice, sure, but they were just teeth.

Daichi sighed and picked a thread from the tape holding the IV in his arm. "So tell me, Kuroo... It was Kuroo, right?"

"That's me."

"Right. So what brings you to my humble room on a day like today?" Daichi was probably as pale as ash, and he probably looked really terrible besides that, too. He hadn't showered in days, and he truthfully had no idea what the day was like, but Kuroo laughed at the joke anyway, so it was alright. Daichi was trying desperately not to hit on him, mostly because he must be looking as shitty as he felt, but also because of the way Kuroo seemed... Almost upset?

"It's, um... You're Sawamura Daichi, right?'

"That's me." His voice mimicked the tone of Kuroo's earlier remark.

"And you've just gotten a new heart." His face had fallen. It was a subtle change, but he didn't have the same spark in his eyes anymore, and his words weren't laced with the same charm.

"How did you...?"

"I'm really sorry, I really don't have any business being here, but-- I had this boyfriend. And, um, this is sort of weird for me because, you see..." Kuroo pulled a stray string from the hem of his shirt. "Sawamura, you--"

"Just Daichi, please."

"Daichi, then. Listen, you've got... You have his heart. You've got my Kenma's heart." Kuroo took a shuddering breath and cracked a weak smile, staring down at his sneakers. "I'm really... It's weird, like-- A little bit like he's still around, somehow. But I know that isn't true, I know that. I just had to see for myself, I... I'm sorry."

There was a silence after that. Daichi... Daichi had Kuroo's boyfriend's heart? Late boyfriend, whoops. Shit. Shit! What did he even say to that?

"What happened to him?"

Kuroo's eyes welled up with tears and Daichi immediately regretted the question. He was about to take it back when Kuroo spoke.

"He was in a s-store when it got robbed. They told him to get down on the ground and I guess... He froze, waited a second too long. They--" Kuroo swallowed and inhaled sharply. "They got it all on camera, at the store. He-- Kenma was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fucking idiot," he whispered. Kuroo closed his eyes and and a tear fell into his lap. "I'm sorry, excuse me."

Kuroo pushed his chair back and stood up, starting for the door.

"No, wait!" Daichi called after him, wincing as he tried to sit up. "Please, come back, I'm sorry I brought it up, please. Stay just a little bit longer."

He hesitated before walking back to the chair before lowering himself into it. "Kenma." Kuroo's voice was quiet. "He was a year below me, a high school second year."

"You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, Kuroo."

Kuroo nodded, but continued anyway. "He plays-- played-- on the volleyball team with me. Played setter."

"Volleyball, huh? I'm the captain at my school.

Kuroo looked at him in surprise before he smiled. It was slow to come, but it was genuine. "No way, me too."

"Nekoma?" Daichi pointed at Kuroo's jacket. "I'm from Karasuno."

Their eyes widened at the same time and they laughed. "That's so wild, I never would have guessed. It's good to meet you. I mean, I'm sorry we had to meet like this, but it's good to meet you." Kuroo offered him a hand and they shook formally. "Kuroo Tetsurou, middle blocker and captain, pleased to make your acquaintance."

"I play wing spiker, when I'm not in the hospital." Daichi said simply.

Kuroo's eyebrows shot up. "Does this sort of thing happen to you often?"

"No!" He laughed. "No, never, I promise I was joking."

"Good, thank god."

"Are you being patronizing, Kuroo?" Daichi teased.

"Of course not, who wants to be in the hospital all the time? I wouldn't wish that on anybody! Food in hospitals is awful, even in Tokyo."

"Sounds like you're the one who spends a lot of time in the hospital."

Kuroo shrugged. "I block too hard, I suppose, and end up breaking rather than spraining. Once, they had to open up my hand to put a bone back, which is how I know about the food." He wiggled all of his fingers at Daichi and winked. No, maybe Daichi imagined the wink. He'd definitely imagined it.

A nurse knocked on the door to tell them that Kuroo's visit was over, and the other captain got up.

"Daichi, c-could I visit you again, sometime?"

"Please," He said warmly. "I'll be counting on it."


	2. Caffeine Promises

Kuroo didn't come back the next day. Or the next, or the next. Daichi couldn't blame him, of course, but he thought it would be nice to see him again.

'You've got my Kenma's heart.'

Daichi grimaced. It was understandable for Kuroo to be upset, to keep his distance from Daichi. He couldn't imagine how he would feel, if it were him. How Kuroo had to be feeling. He'd said it was weird, weird that he felt a small connection with him, weird that a part of Daichi was once part of someone he'd cared so deeply for. Daichi thought he had every right to be upset about it.

It was a Tuesday, and Daichi was wheeling himself around the hospital, positive he'd seen a machine where he could get hot chocolate somewhere. He was still advised against coffee but he needed something warm and rich and liquid or he was going to scream. He was still advised against screaming, too, while he was in the hospital. He knew that stupid hot chocolate machine was somewhere, he knew it! But the hospital was large, and Daichi was starting to worry that he was getting lost. He knew that he'd been going in circles, but not quite where in the building those circles were located. He tried to find his way back to his room by following the signs hanging from the hospital ceiling and ended up bashing the wheelchair right into a pair of legs while he was reading.

"Ouch, shit."

"I'm sorry! I'm so--"

"Daichi!" It was Kuroo. He'd smashed into Kuroo while in a wheelchair, not looking where he was going, lost in a hospital. "Don't worry about it, I just thought you were an old woman who got me on my way to see you the first time. If it happened again I think I would start getting suspicious. You haven't hired any old women as bodyguards lately, have you?"

"If they're protecting me, they're doing it on their own and I'm afraid I can't do anything to stop them. You'll just have to watch your ass."

Kuroo shot him a grin. "Ah, well. Do you want me to wheel you back to your room or were you actually heading somewhere in that thing?" He paused. "You'll have to hold my hot chocolate if I'm pushing you, though."

"Where did you get that hot chocolate?" Daichi spluttered, and Kuroo looked shocked.

"Just the machine down the hall, I--"

Daichi smacked a palm to his forehead. "I've been looking for that machine for ten minutes. That's so embarrassing."

"Here, take this one." Kuroo let out a snort at the look on Daichi's face. "I didn't spit in it or anything. Plus, I can always get another, since I actually know where the machine is."

"I'm gonna run you over, Kuroo."

"Yeah, right. We're heading back to your room. You can't hit me when I'm behind you!"

Daichi huffed and crossed his legs. "I could hit the brake."

"You won't, though."

"Why won't I?"

"Because I'm giving you my hot chocolate." He could hear the smile in Kuroo's voice as he let himself be pushed back to his hospital room.

  


"Here we are, sir."  


"Sir?" Daichi choked on a laugh.

"Sure." Kuroo said. "I'm like a chauffeur, right? This counts as driving, and you can't tell me it doesn't, Daichi."

Daichi turned to look at Kuroo with a look of mock horror. "Well, you'd better have your licence, then! I can't believe I just trusted you with my life like that."

"You got here in one piece, didn't you?" Kuroo gestured at the bed, even turned down the edge of the blanket for him. "Sir?" His tone was ridiculous.

"Not that I don't appreciate your efforts, but..." Daichi coughed. "As you might be aware, hospital gowns in this establishment have no fabric where the ass should be."

Kuroo opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. "Oh my god." He covered his eyes with his hand. "There's no ass-fabric. Oh my god."

"How about you take that chair, and I'll stay in the wheelchair and we can move the end table between us and pretend we're in some kind of formal restaurant."

"Formal restaurant, eh?"

Daichi stuck out his pinky when he took his next sip of hot chocolate. "The most formal restaurant there could ever be."

There was a bit of noise as Kuroo moved the end table in front of Daichi before he moved the chair to the other side and sat in it. He leaned back and crosses his arms, yawning. Daichi caught himself looking at Kuroo's teeth again and was more confused than anything else. His brain was filled with a simple chorus of 'why' over and over. He wasn't sure what it was about Kuroo, really. The guy was charming, but that wasn't it. He was incredibly nice to look at, which was certainly helping, but there was something else about him, something different. The repeating 'why' turned into a repeating 'what' as he studied Kuroo's face. Fuck, he was saying something.

"Sorry, I... I zoned out there for a minute, what?" Daichi fought back a blush when Kuroo tilted his head slightly and frowned. He really didn't know how beautiful he was, he couldn't know, not with the way he held himself. Maybe that was it. Everything about Kuroo, from what he'd seen, was just Kuroo. He was just being himself.

"I said, I'm more of a cafe person, myself. If I went somewhere this fancy, I'd spill sauce on myself and probably also my date." He was slow to say the word 'date.' Only a little, but Daichi noticed the pause.

"Kuroo, don't say cafe. The nurses told me I shouldn't have coffee until I'm out, and it's killing me. I'm currently in the process of dying because of it." He groaned.

"Don't say... cafe?" Kuroo grinned and put extra emphasis on the last word.

"Kuroo!"

"Sorry." He wasn't, Daichi could tell. "When are you released?"

A sigh escaped his lips. "Five more days."

"What do you say I grab us coffee then, as soon as you get can get out. No, wait. Lunch, but somewhere that sells coffee, like a cafe that also has food, or--"

"Sounds good." Daichi would have accepted coffee from anyone, no questions asked. It frightened him a little how badly he wanted it.

"Which part?"

He shrugged. "Lunch, since you're the one who talked about hospital food being inedible last time you were here." He flashed a smile. "I want my first post-care meal to be a cafe sandwich."

"You've got yourself a deal." They shook on it, which was really stupid and ridiculous, to Daichi. He yawned and Kuroo frowned at him. "Hey, do you want me to go? If you're tired, I can--"

"No!" Shit, he sounded too eager. "Um, I'm not tired, that's fine. Unless you have something that you have to go and do."

Kuroo looked at the clock behind his head. "Nah, I'm free, if you're sure you don't need to rest."

"You're not tiring me out, if that's what you mean. I'm fine."

"I-- Okay."

Daichi chewed at his lip. "Tell me about Kenma."

"What?"

"I mean, is it too soon? I'm sorry, I just wanted to--" He cut himself off when Kuroo opened his mouth.

"It's fine, um... Was there anything specific that you wanted to know?"

"Not really, but I feel a little bad for taking his heart, and I just feel like it would be nice to know more about him so I can... I guess so I can properly respect him?"

Kuroo nodded and stared down into his lap. "You know, I didn't find out about-- I had to see it on the news. The shooting. They played a clip from the surveillance cameras that were in the store. I don't usually watch the news, actually, but..."

Daichi was quiet. Active listening, he told himself, active listening. Let him finish.

"I watched him get shot on TV. I... I had to identify him. I had to tell the police his name."

"I'm sorry," Daichi whispered. "How long were you together.

Kuroo flicked his eyes up at him. "Years," he breathed. "F-four years. And three months."

Holy shit.

"He was so smart, smarter than I'll ever be. And volleyball... He was good, Daichi, he was so smart at volleyball." Kuroo laughed softly. "He's-- He was beautiful."

Daichi winced at the way Kuroo caught himself slipping into present tense, like he'd forgotten that his boyfriend was really gone. It did make sense, though, that it hadn't sunk in fully. It was the sort of thing that was hard to believe, made even harder by the fact that you don't want to believe it in the first place.

"Do you... have someone? A boyfriend? Or, I mean, a girlfriend." Kuroo added.

"I don't have a boyfriend right now, no." His thoughts went to Suga for half a moment. They weren't dating, quite. Not quite.

"Ah, so I didn't offend anyone when I invited you to lunch."

He was trying to change the subject. He looked nervous, and Daichi felt guilty for asking about Kenma. But now that he thought about it, Daichi'd heard about the shooting, maybe. Kozume Kenma... That was it, right? But he couldn't ask Kuroo, because it obviously still hurt to talk about.

"Pfft, of course not." He sent Kuroo a warn smile, but couldn't stop another yawn.

"Daichi, you need to get your fabricless ass into bed and rest. I'm going to head home."

Shit, he'd upset him.

"Visit me again before I'm out?"

"Tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow." And then he was gone, leaving Daichi in his wheelchair.

Daichi really was tired, couldn't even stay awake long enough to reflect on seeing Kuroo that day. He was asleep in minutes once he was in bed, closing his eyes with one final, fleeting thought of tomorrow, when he would see Kuroo again.


	3. A Denial Sandwich

He slept a lot longer than he meant to. He slept so long that when he opened his eyes, it was already well into tomorrow, and he already had a visitor sitting in the chair next to him. Two cups of hot chocolate sat on the end table, one of them half empty, neither of them steaming anymore. And Kuroo. Kuroo was asleep in the chair, head nodded slightly to the side. Daichi wondered how long he'd been there, how long he'd been waiting before he ended up actually falling asleep.

Daichi reached over and tapped him on the knee. "Kuroo." He didn't wake up, so Daichi poked him in the stomach. "Kuroo."

Kuroo's head snapped up. "Sorry, I... Good morning." He looked at the clock and corrected himself. "Afternoon, I mean."

"Hey."

"One of those was for you." He gestured at the hot chocolates, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Hell, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

Daichi shrugged and sat up a little. "I didn't mean to start asleep. We're even."

That got a small laugh. "Sure, that's fair."

"I hope your nap was good."

Kuroo snorted. "Yeah this chair... Really ideal for napping." He lightly smacked the metal armrest to prove his point. "I just feel so well-rested, you wouldn't believe." He cracked his neck with a grimace and rubbed at his shoulder.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry I mentioned it."

They talked for a while and drank their cold chocolate, solidifying plans for lunch when Daichi was released from the hospital. Kuroo had an optometrist appointment, and left Daichi after what seemed like hardly any time at all. Maybe they'd slept longer than they'd thought.

Daichi decided that he liked Kuroo. He was genuine, he was quick to smile... He was really, really good-looking... And he was nice, Daichi thought. He didn't know much about him, but he was nice.

He leaned back and looked at the ceiling. "He's only talking to you because you have his dead boyfriend's heart." He told himself.

But that couldn't be true. He wouldn't have come back, if Daichi wasn't... What? If Daichi wasn't what he expected? If he wasn't what Kuroo thought he would find when he looked for Kenma's heart? No. He had to know there wasn't anything of the other boy left, that Daichi was just Daichi.

'... A little like he's still around, somehow...'

Daichi groaned. This was all far too complicated. But he liked Kuroo, he really liked Kuroo. He just had to wait three days. He had three more days until he'd be going for lunch with him, three more days until coffee and a lunch date that wasn't really a date but he would call it that anyways, damn it. He wanted it to be a date.

He liked Kuroo.

Did Kuroo like him? Or did Kuroo like Kenma, and only Kenma? He wasn't expecting to jump into any sort of relationship, obviously, just wanted to get to know him. It didn't matter to him whether Kuroo was interested in him or not, in the end. At least, that's what Daichi told himself.

 

It was a lie.

 

The next few days passed quickly. Daichi still didn't know where the hot chocolate machine was, and he didn't bother looking for it anymore because he knew he wouldn't find it. Kuroo had said it was 'down the hall' from where Daichi had bumped into him with his wheelchair, but that wasn't much guidance in this place. Daichi just rested as much as he could and ate as much as he could stomach of the hospital meals. Basically, got as much of his strength back as possible as quickly as possible.

And then he was out. Before he knew it, he was driving from home to a small café to meet Kuroo. Daichi was wearing jeans, and after over a week without any sort of pants at all, it was almost heavenly. In all honesty, Daichi didn't really like hospitals, and the smell of car exhaust and garbage was welcome after so much sanitation. Nothing downtown here was white, or clean, and he was loving it. Daichi was so ready to get back into actually living again, he thought as he walked past a rusty old car, pushing open the door to the café.

What he wasn't prepared for was Kuroo, who, sitting at a corner table and bathed in natural light, looked like he was in his element. He was resting his chin in his hand as he gazed out the window, blowing at his hair and sometimes scratching his nose. Kuroo was wearing jeans, too, darker and tighter than Daichi's, which showed off the slim strength of his hips. He was wearing his volleyball jacket over top of a white t-shirt that was definitely tighter than it needed to be. Not that Daichi was complaining.

Kuroo stood up when he saw him and grinned, falling into line with him so that they could order together. It was sort of cute, how he'd waited.

No. No, it wasn't, it was just regular etiquette. You didn't order food before the person you invited got there. It was polite, but barely enough to note, certainly not enough to warrant a compliment. Daichi could have smacked himself. He liked Kuroo, but not THAT much... right?

"Daichi?" Both Kuroo and the girl behind the counter were looking at him.

"Oh, sorry, large coffee and... A chicken-tomato sandwich, please?"

"Will that be a soup or salad with the sandwich?"

"Um..." He looked at Kuroo and shrugged. Kuroo shrugged back.

Daichi said "Salad," at the exact moment Kuroo said "Soup," and they both laughed before Daichi apologized to the cashier and clarified that soup would be fine, after all. He fished out his wallet but Kuroo had already beaten him to it, placing a few bills on the counter.

"Keep the change." He winked at the girl, who blushed before informing them she would take their food to their table. She slid two coffees across the counter and Kuroo took them both before leading the way back to where he'd been sitting before. "Daichi, I hope the window seat is okay, the view's not the best but--"

"Please, I want to look at the dirtiest part of the city possible, after being stuck with people who wash their hands twenty times a day."

"Then you've come to the right place. Welcome to gross Tokyo."

Daichi laughed and took one of the coffees, closing his eyes as he took a sip and inhaled deeply through his nose. When he opened them again, Kuroo was holding back a smile, and it wasn't working very well.

"What?" He demanded. "It's been ages since my last cup of coffee."

"Have you... seen anyone about that?" Kuroo hid his mouth behind his hand as his shitty stony façade broke and he cracked a grin.

Daichi scowled. "I'm allowed to like coffee, Kuroo. You're drinking it too, don't act like you can say anything!"

"The difference here," Kuroo mused, "is that I'm not treating it like my long-lost love." His voice faltered a little on the word 'love,' but he cleared his throat and took another mouthful of coffee before Daichi could analyze it. But of course, Kuroo's long-lost love was lost forever, save for the part beating in Daichi's chest. A knot twisted in Daichi's stomach. "Although I haven't been put under any restrictions like you, so I suppose you're not overreacting, in retrospect."

"Thanks Kuroo, means a lot."

"Was that sarcasm?" Kuroo pretended to look offended and got a concerned look from the waitress who came and put a plate in front of Daichi.

"No," Daichi said, sarcastically. "Your opinion of my taste for coffee is truly of so much import.'

"Wow."

Daichi took a bite of his sandwich and moaned. It tasted unhealthy. That was exactly what he wanted. Not really, truly unhealthy, but unhealthy enough that it could almost count as a comfort food, after gruel-like oatmeal and runny eggs. Across from him, Kuroo was staring pointedly out the window as he blushed, although Daichi couldn't place why. He noticed the empty space in front of Kuroo.

"You didn't get any food?"

The other boy started. "Actually, I totally forgot, but I'm not really that hungry."

"Do you want half of this?" Daichi held up his sandwich and Kuroo stuck out his tongue.

"I don't like tomatoes."

He rolled his eyes. "It's not a lunch date if you don't have any lunch." He said it without thinking and nearly choked. Kuroo was as red as Daichi thought he must be, but gave him a small smile.

"I'll... I'll take your soup then, if you really insist."

Daichi pushed it over. "Perfect."

There was silence for a while, crunching and spoons on bowls and the occasional accidental slurp of coffee breaking it, but no more. It wasn't until Daichi was finished his sandwich completely that either of them said anything.

Kuroo put his spoon down on the table. "That was really bad soup."

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry." But the corner of Daichi's mouth twitched. He'd still eaten it. Kuroo had still eaten the terrible soup.

"It--" Kuroo looked down at the empty bowl as his face flushed again. "It's not a lunch date if you don't have any lunch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lunch date lunch date lunch date


	4. Love's Not A Contest

A realization hit Daichi and he rested his elbows on the table. "Hey, you were here when I got here, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I was early. I was like ten minutes early. How long were you waiting for me?"

"Ah, um... Around ten minutes, I guess."

"Kuroo!" Daichi was shocked, honestly. "Why were you so early?"

He shrugged. "It's a bit of a long story, really. You're probably downright tired of hearing about Kenma, too."

The knot in Daichi's stomach tightened, suddenly, without warning, but he leaned forward anyway and put on a smile. "Not at all. Plus, if it helps me learn something about you, all the better." He was lying, of course he was lying, but he couldn't tell Kuroo he didn't want to hear about it, because he couldn't tell Kuroo that he was jealous. Because Daichi shouldn't be jealous. Or interested at all, in Kuroo. His boyfriend had been killed and Daichi was... Flirting with him? Stupid, that was stupid.

"He was always early, all the time, even though I always paid for him. It was stupid, a little." Kuroo's face took on a dreamy expression and Daichi felt a pang of... He didn't know what, but it hit him hard. "I guess it's not really that long of a story... Eventually, I started trying to get there before he did. It didn't work, became a game of who could get there first that I would always lose, so one day I just came half an hour early." He laughed softly. "I beat him, and I kept coming at ridiculous times until he finally just came on time. But... I'm always early. Force of habit, I suppose."

"Huh." This boy had affected every aspect of Kuroo's life in such a huge way, and it was becoming more and more obvious the more time Daichi spent with him. He wasn't getting over him. Not anytime soon. But Daichi wanted to help, more than anything he wanted to help Kuroo.

The waitress took their dishes and Kuroo stood up. Daichi did the same.

"Thanks for lunch."

"No problem, I thought it was fun."

Daichi bit his lip, and opened his mouth at the same time as Kuroo.

"Listen, Daichi--"

"Hey, Kuroo--"

"Do you think I could give you my--"

"Could I maybe get your--"

"Number?"

They said the last word together, and for a second they just looked at each other. Kuroo nodded slowly. "Y... Yes?"

Daichi laughed at that and held out his hand. "Here, I'll just give you mine, gimme your phone."

"I-- Sure."

They smiled and waved to each other as they parted, after Kuroo held the café door open for Daichi. Both of them blushed a little. Daichi wasn't liking the trend of his face going red whenever Kuroo did more than look at him, and sometimes then too. But he though it was worth it to see the taller boy flush a little when their shoulders brushed or their eyes met. He was still pink as he got into his car and drove off, turning up the radio even though he couldn't really hear what the singer was saying.

His phone went off before he even got home. Twice. About ten minutes apart. He managed not to check, even after he'd pulled into his driveway, because safety came first. He couldn't text Kuroo if he crashed.

Daichi had already created a contact in his phone for Kuroo before he started the drive home.

From: Kuroo. 'daichi its kuroo'

And then, later: 'did you give me a wrong #?'

He sighed and tapped out a quick response.

To: Kuroo. 'texting and driving is against the law right?'

To: Kuroo. 'i don't live in tokyo remember'

From: Kuroo. 'shit'

From: Kuroo. 'i totally didnt think about it im sorry'

From: Kuroo. 'shit youre from karasuno i didnt make the connection'

To: Kuroo. 'hey relax im home now whats up'

There was a significant pause before the next message.

From: Kuroo. 'are you free next saturday?'

To: Kuroo. 'yeah you wanna do something?'

There was another pause and Daichi drummed his fingers on his leg. He got up to get a glass of water and a text was waiting for him when he returned.

From: Kuroo. 'yeah if you want'

And, seconds later;

From: Kuroo. 'ill come down there this time since i made you drive out here for lunch'

Daichi caught himself smiling. That was so stupid.

To: Kuroo. 'cool what do you wanna do'

From: Kuroo. 'i dont know what there is to do outside tokyo honestly um'

From: Kuroo. 'we can sort of just hang out'

From: Kuroo. '?'

He thought about it. If he was being perfectly honest, Daichi didn't know much to do close to home, either.

To: Kuroo. 'we could go to the beach'

From: Kuroo. 'perfect'

And it sort of was. They talked a little longer while Daichi waited for dinner and he told Kuroo how to get to his house. Kuroo wanted to know if Daichi was planning on swimming in the ocean, and Daichi wasn't. Daichi wanted to know if Kuroo was planning on swimming in the ocean, and Kuroo wasn't. They talked about bringing food, but decided against it; they could always walk and buy something if they were hungry. They talked about what the weather might be like and what they would do if it rained, and Daichi said he'd check the forecast. It was supposed to be nice out. They talked about how many people might be there, and whether anything interesting ever washed up in the sand, and whether or not dogs were allowed (they were).

Then they talked about nothing, for a little while. Just talked until Daichi had to go and eat.

Daichi still wouldn't let himself believe he was falling for Kuroo.


	5. Fatal Lack Of Foresight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEACH DATE BEACH DATE BEACH DATE BEACH DATE

On Saturday, it was Daichi who was early, slipping on his coat just about a full hour before he was expecting Nekoma's volleyball team captain. It was warm enough that he could wait outside and he sat on the front steps in the sun with a smile on his face. He jumped up as Kuroo pulled in front of the house, clambering into the passenger seat.

"You're early."

"I didn't think I was gonna be able to find your house." Kuroo grinned at him. "But here I am. I don't know where the beach is, though, you're gonna have to direct me."

Daichi groaned. "I can just drive there, if you want."

"No! Then it doesn't count as me taking you out!"

"Fine, turn left here."

"Okay, left."

"Right here."

"Right, got it."

They made it to the beach close to 1pm, taking about twenty minutes to get there. It had felt much longer when Daichi was telling Kuroo where to go, and though he didn't mind, he was pretty sure Kuroo had a GPS on his phone or something.

"Is this it?"

"Yeah, we're here." Daichi got out of the car and snorted when Kuroo did the same.

"What?" Kuroo almost looked offended. "What did I do?"

"You're wearing... jeans? To the beach?" He snickered and Kuroo shot him a look.

"I'm not gonna be swimming, Daichi!"

"Sure, okay." Daichi himself was wearing shorts, like anyone who knew how to have fun at the beach would be. Kuroo was going to be a million degrees too warm, and when he complained, Daichi wasn't going to feel any sympathy. He'd try not to laugh, though, because he liked Kuroo. What he would laugh at was how Kuroo didn't see anything wrong with his outfit. Yet.

"I don't know what you're-- Shit, that's my phone, and I actually have to take this call."

"That's fine, we're just at the beach." Beach date. Daichi blushed. This could be a beach date.

Kuroo's "Hello?" was more of a sigh than an actual word, like he was already done with the conversation. "You what? You found them? Tell me where." He paused. "Bokuto! Tell me where, I need my glasses to see! Like, everything. No, I just ran out of contacts, I think... Two days ago." Kuroo scratched his head and sighed again. "Yeah, of course I haven't done the reading, I can't read it. Because I don't have my glasses? ... I can't come and get them, Bokuto, I'm at the beach. No," He groaned, "I'm not at a Tokyo beach, idiot. Yeah, you are! Yeah you are, Bokuto. You're an idiot."

Kuroo leaned against the hood of the car and flashed an apologetic look at Daichi. "I'll hurry it up, I promise."

"Seriously, take your time."

"Huh?" Kuroo said into the phone. "That was just, um. Yeah. Yes it is. No, you can't talk to him." He was blushing now. "Because you won't tell me where my glasses are! I don't care, Bokuto, I'm busy today. Yes, all day. No, you can't drive out to find me with my glasses. It's still the weekend tomorrow, I'll come over and help you study or something." He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "No, you can't send Akaashi with my glasses. He wouldn't agree to that anyway. No. I'll see you tomorrow, Bokuto." He hung up without saying goodbye, and Daichi laughed. "Sorry about that."

"I didn't know you had glasses, Kuroo."

He shrugged. "Well, as of right now, I don't. They got lost ages ago, probably at a friend's place. That's probably how he found them." Kuroo gave him sudden look of warning. "Don't ask me how many fingers you're holding up, I'll scream. I swear to god I will, Daichi."

"My hands are staying in my pockets."

They didn't, because Daichi took off his shoes so that he could walk in the water. Kuroo opted to keep his shoes on, and walked beside him on the dry sand with his his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, which Daichi still thought was a ridiculous choice for the beach. Apart from that, though, he wore a tank top that looked like it was a size too small. Kuroo really was partial to tight clothes.

Daichi's phone rang next, which was weird because nobody ever really called Daichi.

"Hey, you can take that."

"I--" He checked who was calling and frowned. "Yeah, I should." He kept walking with Kuroo as he talked. "Suga?"

"Daichi." He sounded breathless.

"Is everything alright?" Suga called Daichi more than anyone else did, but the fact still remained that nobody ever called him unless it was serious. It wasn't that he didn't like talking on the phone, or anything. People just usually texted him instead.

"Daichi, Noya's gonna do something stupid."

"Is he there to pass the phone to?"

Suga sighed. "Um, yes, hold on."

"Hello? Who is this, why did Suga-san just give you to me?"

"Nishinoya, what are you doing." He wasn't really worried. Noya did stupid things whenever he could.

"Daichi-san! Hey, do you want to come watch me--"

"Whatever it is, I'm busy. Don't try balancing on a ball again, okay? Don't do that. You're freaking Suga out."

Noya groaned. "Suga-san freaks out if I microwave something without a cover."

"That's because everything you out in a microwave explodes!" Suga's voice reached him and Daichi chuckled.

"Not true! That's not true! Captain, is that true?"

"Noya, you aren't dragging me into this one. Hey, is Asahi there?"

"Yeah!"

Daichi heard a squabble over who got to have the phone as Suga tried to wrestle it from the libero. Amidst shouts of "He wants to talk to you, Asahi!" and "Noya, give it!" Daichi directed the cell away from his mouth to talk to Kuroo.

He didn't get to, though, because as soon as he saw Kuroo's face, he stopped himself from saying anything. He was looking at his feet as they walked slowly across the beach, but Daichi could see enough of his face to tell that something was wrong. Kuroo's eyes were cast down and while he wasn't frowning, the corner of his mouth tugged downwards. He just looked... overwhelmingly sad. The almost defeated slump in his shoulders and and slight shuffle in his step. The way he let his hair fall even more into his face. The way his breath only came out in sighs. He wasn't happy. He wasn't having a good time.

But just before Daichi was about to say something to him, a voice at his ear distracted him.

"Uh, Daichi? Noya said you wanted to talk to me. Suga doesn't believe him, though."

He sighed. "Just don't let him do anything actually dangerous, okay? You're around him enough that you know when he could actually get hurt."

"Of course." Asahi said quickly. "Was there anything else?"

"No, I actually really have to go. Tell Suga and Nishinoya bye for me." And he hung up. "Sorry, Kuroo."

Kuroo jumped, his face clearing a little as he looked up. "No, don't worry about it." When he cracked a smile, it didn't reach his eyes. But then he looked past Daichi, at the water, and just as his expression turned wistful, he raised his eyebrows. "What's that?"

"What?" Daichi looked out at the ocean, but didn't see anything strange.

Out of nowhere, Kuroo streaked past him, splashing as he ran forward until he'd waded in up to his knees. He stopped and turned around, laughing, and Daichi just looked at him. Kuroo held up a piece of dripping wood and clutched at his stomach.

"I though I saw something, but it was just this."

"Kuroo, your stupid jeans are soaked!"

He just laughed, wheezing and dropping the wood back in the ocean. "I... forgot... "Kuroo coughed. "Water does that thing... where it gets you wet."

Daichi was laughing too, and waded out to Kuroo before he took him by the arm and dragged him back to dry land. Kuroo staggered, collapsing onto the beach. He didn't seem to care that he was coated in sand and he leaned on Daichi when he sat down next to him, still heaving with laughter. He kicked off his shoes and peeled off his socks before he rolled his jeans halfway up his calves. They were too skinny to go any further. Exhausted, he laid back onto the sand with a heavy sigh.

"You're... Kuroo, you're getting sand in your hair." Daichi stifled a giggle.

"Thanks."

"Really, you're--"

"No, I mean, thank you." Kuroo stood up and brushed sand off of himself. It fell in a small curtain, enough to make an audible sound above the swishing of Kuroo's hands over his clothes. He extended his hand and helped Daichi off the ground before helping get the sand off of him, too.

The sun was turning more orange and they started walking back across the beach.

"This... was really nice, Daichi." Kuroo's voice was low, and Daichi almost didn't hear him.

"I'm glad."

"Wait one minute, I wanna look at the water."

So they stopped. But Kuroo wasn't looking at the sea. He was looking at Daichi, and Daichi was looking right back. They were close. They were really, really close, and Daichi could heart his heart beating in his ears as he took the tiniest step closer. He was so close that he could feel Kuroo's breath on his face, and it only took the smallest tilt of Daichi's head before he was kissing him. It was soft and slow and hesitant and he pulled back almost as soon as their lips had met. He was still close, and Kuroo's eyes were still closed for a moment before he looked at Daichi. Neither of them said anything for a long time.

"That's my phone." Kuroo stepped back and laughed shakily as he fished his phone out of his pocket. Daichi hadn't heard anything. "Um, shit, I..." He paused. "I'm supposed to be home in time to eat, is it alright if I take you home now?"

"S-sure."

Fuck.


	6. Priorites

Kuroo was already walking swiftly towards the car, and Daichi had to jog to catch up to him as he slipped on his shoes. He wasn't looking at Daichi anymore. In fact, Kuroo didn't look at Daichi for the entire car ride. He didn't speak to him or glance his way and Daichi didn't force it. He'd done it this time; really fucked it up. By the time he could think of something to say, they were already pulling up next to his driveway, and Kuroo was chewing on his lip hard enough to make it bleed.

"Kuroo, I--"

"Sorry I had to drop you off early!" His tone was fake. His cheerfulness was fake. His smile was fake. "Oh well! Can't be helped, I guess. H-have a good night." And he was gone.

Daichi stood in the driveway, at a loss. He'd really done it this time, without even thinking. Why didn't he ever fucking think? He kicked a rock across the yard.

"Shit!" His voice echoed back to him, and it sounded like a mockery.

It was all his fault, too. All of it was because Daichi didn't think. He hadn't even been able to apologize.

Daichi took out his phone.

To: Kuroo. 'kuroo im really sorry"

To: Kuroo. 'i didnt think i didnt mean to upset you im sorry'

No response.

He went inside and shut himself in his room, turning on some loud music and flopping onto the bed. "Good one, Daichi," He said aloud to himself. "His boyfriend is fucking dead and you kissed him. You're a fucking idiot." Turning over, he shut off his music and pulled a blanket over himself. "Yeah, I am." Daichi answered himself. "So stupid. I'm so fucking stupid."

He swallowed a painful lump in his throat and hugged a pillow to his chest before he closed his eyes. Daichi didn't care that it was early. He didn't want to be awake, to be experiencing anything at all. He wanted to sleep forever. He wanted to stop his new heart from breaking, but he knew he couldn't.

 

Daichi woke up because his phone was ringing.

"Mmph, fuck..." He grabbed it. Nobody ever phoned Daichi, especially in in the middle of the night. "Hello?"

"Daichi, it's K-Kuroo." He heard a dry sob and sat up in bed, switching on a light and rubbing at his eyes.

"Hey, what's--"

"I'm sorry!" He practically wailed into the phone and Daichi pulled his cell away from his ear briefly. "D-Daichi, I'm so sorry."

"Breathe, Kuroo, alright? Talk to me."

For a minute, maybe two, all Daichi could hear was Kuroo crying, his breath shuddering and shallow. "Are you s-s-s--" he sobbed again. "Still there?"

"I'm here." Daichi said softly. "I'm here, Kuroo. What time is it?"

Kuroo sniffed. "I don't know."

"Kuroo, what's going on? Can you talk to me, please?" He heard more sobs, and he swallowed hard. "Kuroo?"

"I'm s-sorry! I though I could g-g-get over h-him, but I--" Kuroo choked and gasped for breath. "I c-can't do it. Fuck, I-I'm so fucking sorry." Daichi heard Kuroo sniff again, sob again. "I l-like you, Daichi, b-but I--" He coughed. "I think I'm too br-broken to l-love you. K-Kenma's g-- Kenma's d-d-dead, and I'm sorry I c-can't be okay. I'm just t-trying to be okay, D-Daichi." Kuroo was weeping noisily into the phone, apologizing over and over.

"Hey, Kuroo, don't. I'm sorry." Daichi ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't-- I never meant to push you like that. I'm sorry, this is my fault." Something caught in his throat and he took a deep breath.

"N-no, Daichi--"

"Nobody expects you to be okay yet, Kuroo. It's alright, shhh. Kuroo, it's okay, it's okay to be hurting."

Daichi heard Kuroo blow his nose. "I'm supposed to be moving on."

"Not yet, Kuroo. You don't need to, yet."

Kuroo's breathing was all that Daichi could hear, with the occasional sob interrupting it. He was focusing on slowing it down, inhaling without it catching too much.

"Daichi?"

"I'm here."

"Would you want to s-see me again? Did I blow it?" His voice was small, quiet.

Daichi sighed and smiled. "You didn't blow anything. I thought I had, but if you--"

"You didn't, I swear you didn't!"

He laughed quietly. "Kuroo... When can you come down here next?"

There was a pause and a sound like ruffling papers. "U-um... Sorry, let me just--"

"It's okay, Kuroo." Daichi could wait.

"Monday. After school Monday?"

"Okay." Daichi turned his light off again and settled back into bed, confident Kuroo had calmed down some. "Let me tell you what we're gonna do, okay? After school you can drive over and we'll pick a shitty action movie and relax and just hang out, okay? It's not going to be stressful, we're just going to hang out. Does that sound okay, Kuroo?"

He heard a yawn. "Mmh... Okay."

"Guess who needs to sleep now?" Daichi said quietly. "Me. Are you going to be okay?"

Nothing.

"Kuroo?"

Nothing.

"Kuroo."

A soft snore came through the phone and Daichi rolled his eyes. He plugged in his phone and shoved it under his pillow without ending the call.

It was 2:14 in the morning.

"Goodnight, Kuroo."

 

It was Monday, and Kuroo had averted his eyes when Daichi opened the door, embarrassed. He'd just been invited in, casually, and even though he was blushing furiously, he started acting like the Kuroo Daichi had gotten to know. Daichi was more than relieved.

Now, they were perusing DVDs.

"I didn't know they made another sequel to this." Kuroo held up a slim case and Daichi snorted, taking it from him and reading the description on the back.

"They shouldn't have. Three was enough. Four was too many. This one just fucking sucks."

"Well, Sawamura, you did say we would pick a shitty one." Kuroo was making fun of him, and Daichi knew it, and he thought it was cute. It was stupid.

"You really wanna watch this."

"Well, sure."

Daichi let out a melodramatic sigh and tossed the movie back at Kuroo. "If you want to watch it that badly, you have to be in charge of setting it up. I'm going to the bathroom."

"I don't know how your DVD player works, Daichi!"

"Then I guess it really sucks to be you."

"Daichi!" Kuroo scowled at him and he just laughed.

It turned out that Kuroo figured the player out fine, after all, and he was already sitting cross-legged on the couch with the main menu on the screen when Daichi came back. He didn't notice Daichi at first, and Daichi found himself staring at Kuroo as he put a piece of gum into his mouth, flashing those incredibly white teeth. Kuroo sighed through his nose and Daichi studied the outline of his jaw as he turned his head to look out the window. He was beautiful, truly, and Daichi suddenly felt like he shouldn't be staring anymore.

"Kuroo, you know you--" You know you're beautiful, right? "You can have something to drink, if you want."

"Uhh..." Kuroo picked up the remote and tapped against the side of his head in thought. It was (cute) the stupidest thing Daichi had probably ever seen, ever. "Water? Like, really cold water. Do you have ice?"

Daichi looked at him. "You just want ice water."

"Yes? I didn't know ice water was outlawed here." God, everything about Kuroo was so (cute) stupid.

"I'll get you your stupid ice water, just play the movie."

Kuroo grinned. "Thank you."

He brought him the water, and when Kuroo grabbed it, he didn't let go of the glass.

"Did you just fucking swallow your gum?"

"I... N-- Y.. Yes?"

"Oh my god." Daichi let go of the water and sat next to him. "You're dead to me." A second later, he choked. "Fuck, I mean--"

"Daichi."

"Yeah?"

Kuroo leaned on him and sighed. "You're an idiot."

"I know."

He couldn't concentrate on the movie. Kuroo was warm, and his head was heavy on Daichi's shoulder. He smelled like hand cream and a little bit like oranges and Daichi fought not to put his arm around him. Kuroo shuffled closer and Daichi felt him hold his breath. His fingers locked with Daichi's and he exhaled, a little nervously. Daichi's face grew hot and he gently squeezed Kuroo's hand, touching his cheek to Kuroo's head. A second later Kuroo pulled his head back and looked at Daichi, searching his face for something.

"Are you--"

"Shhh." Kuroo closed his eyes and winced like Daichi had interrupted a thought he was focusing really hard on. He looked into Daichi's eyes then, and opened his mouth as if he was about to speak.

But he didn't. Speak, that is. He moved forward and pressed their lips together quickly and a little messily, like he was afraid he would change his mind if he thought about any more. Their teeth clicked together a little painfully and their noses bumped awkwardly but Daichi kissed him back anyway, moving the hand that wasn't holding Kuroo's behind the other boy's neck. Kuroo made a tiny noise in his throat and Daichi pulled away to study his expression.

"Kuroo, are you sure this is okay?" Raw emotions warred on his face and a tear fell from one of his eyes. Daichi wiped it away. "Kuroo?"

"Yeah. Yes."

Kuroo took his hand from Daichi's and put one on ether side of the other captain's face. He pulled him close again, kissing him more softly and going a bright shade of scarlet when he moved his arms to wrap around Daichi's torso. He opened his mouth and Daichi followed suit, sliding his tongue into Kuroo's mouth almost cautiously. The last thing that he wanted was to do something wrong, to hurt him or push him or overwhelm him. But Kuroo pulled him even closer before tilting his head down, touching their foreheads together.

"Shit." Kuroo sat back and wiped at his face.

"Are you okay?"

"I think, yeah."

Daichi hugged him and heard him sniff. "Kuroo?"

"I'm fine, I just--"

"Will you stay for dinner?" Kuroo paused and Daichi pressed forward a bit. "My parent aren't coming home, so I would just make noodles or something. I can't really cook, um... But, will you stay? Will you stay with me?"

"Where are they? Your parents."

He sighed. "Work, until really late on Mondays."

"... I could go for some noodles."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm truly so sorry


	7. Pain, Resurfaced

Daichi kissed him on the cheek and got off the couch, turning up the movie a little bit so that he could hear it from the kitchen. He was a terrible cook, really, and spent the whole time at the stove worried that he would somehow ruin instant ramen. But he didn't, and put one bowl on either end of the table; Kuroo was already sitting down, as the movie had finished soon after Daichi'd gotten up to make the food.

"Thanks."

"Of course."

Daichi finished his dinner a lot faster than Kuroo, idly folding a ton of paper napkins into origami frogs, a skill he'd picked up from Asahi last summer. He froze mid-fold when he caught Kuroo looking at him wit glistening eyes. Daichi raised his eyebrows.

"Hey, what."

"What?"

"What's wrong, Kuroo? You're all teary."

Kuroo blanched. "Nothing at all. I-I'm not." He wasn't convincing.

Daichi sighed and picked up his chopsticks, balancing one of them on the back of the napkin frogs. "Tell me."

"Kenma. It's just Kenma." He whispered. "He... Kenma just used to do that. My mom stopped buying paper napkins after a while. I... it's nothing, just... Sorry."

"That's not nothing." Daichi put down his other chopstick and looked across the table. "But I'm not Kenma."

"What? I know that."

"Do you? Do you, Kuroo?" Daichi shouldn't be getting mad, he had no reason to be angry but he felt the volume of his voice bubbling until it nearly boiled to a shout. "A piece of me used to be a piece of him. That's why you first came to see me, and I know-- A part of me knows that it's probably why you stuck around."

"No! I--"

"Look, it's normal that everything reminds you of him, and it's normal not be be over him and to be upset about him and to miss him. I know it's even harder because he didn't leave you, Kuroo. If Kenma were here he would still love you, God knows it's an easy enough thing to do. But I'm not Kenma! I have his heart, not his brain! Not anything!" He took a deep breath in. "You don't get to love me for the part of me that used to be Kenma. That isn't how it works. You can grieve and you can take your time but you can't kiss me and pretend my lips are his because I'm the closest thing to him there is left."

Kuroo was staring at him, eyes wide as silent tears streamed down his cheeks. His lips formed a hard line and he stood up from the table slowly. "That's what you think, then."

He'd been too hard on him, Daichi knew he'd been too hard on Kuroo, and he softened a little. "It's just--"

"You're right." Kuroo wiped at nose and his breath hitched. "I'm not being fair at all." And then, turning around, Kuroo walked out the door, Daichi right behind him. He'd hardly gotten to the door when Kuroo reached his car, and he'd driven off right as Daichi reached the end of the driveway. He screamed Kuroo's name after him, but the car didn't slow down.

Daichi phoned him twice. Kuroo answered zero times. He phoned a third time, this time waiting to leave a voicemail.

"Kuroo, I'm sorry, I-- Augh!" he dropped his phone and his hands flew to wrap around his torso. He gasped for air as a sharp and throbbing pain stabbed near his stomach. "Holy fuck." He just managed to hang up the voicemail before he ran out to his own car and rested his head on the wheel. This was normal, right? Some pain was normal, at least that's what they'd told him after his surgery. He shouldn't be freaking out, he shouldn't be upset because he was going to be fine. Right?

But it wasn't his heart that was hurting. Not really, aside from the way it was cracking over what had just happened with Kuroo. He just never thought about anything before he did it. Fucking stupid idiot.

No, this pain was lower, and when he admitted himself into the hospital, explaining what was wrong, the doctor insisted he stay the night after they ran a few tests. Daichi was back in a hospital gown and back in a clean white room and he couldn't sleep because he was so fucking scared. He didn't have the faintest idea what could be wrong with him, really, but he was too afraid to ask in case it was serious. He'd been an ass at dinner and now here he was, and he might not ever get the chance to fix it. He took out his phone even though he'd bothered Kuroo enough for a night. Daichi had to let him know.

To: Kuroo. 'kuroo listen im in the hospital'

To: Kuroo. 'i dont know what's wrong with me they havent told me shit but i need to stay the night'

To: Kuroo. 'i dont know what it is but it fucking hurts'

Daichi closed his eyes tightly and waited for whatever they'd given him for the pain to kick in. He clenched his teeth and put his face in his hands, trying to block out the rest of the world. Now that he had an excuse, Daichi let himself cry. Because he was hurting, inside and out, because he'd ruined everything with Kuroo and now he suddenly felt like he might die. He might be dying and he could die without fixing things with Kuroo and then Kuroo wouldn't even be upset about it. Kuroo wouldn't be upset that he was dying, he couldn't be after what Daichi pulled tonight. What had he been thinking? Well, he hadn't. He'd just... Daichi wasn't sure.

It hurt to sob, but once he'd started he couldn't stop. His phone vibrated and he still couldn't stop crying as he checked it, blinking away tears just to be able to read the text.

From: Kuroo. 'tokyo?'

To: Kuroo. 'yes im here'

From: Kuroo. 'im on my way'


	8. Slow Healing

It was late, too late for Kuroo to visit. He told Kuroo so in his reply.

From: Kuroo. 'i dont care'

Soon, sooner than Daichi expected, Kuroo was there, and even though he was foggy from pain meds, he heard yelling. Kuroo was yelling, shouting at a nurse about... about something. And then he was at Daichi's side, grabbing at his hand and saying something that went right over his head. Kuroo had come to see him. Kuroo was here. Daichi had to focus, to listen, to pay attention to him.

"K... Kur..."

"Daichi." Kuroo's voice floated over to him and he clung to it, trying to ground himself there in the room. "Daichi, can you hear me? Hey." There was some sort of emotion in his voice but Daichi couldn't pick out exactly what it was.

He reached out with the hand that Kuroo didn't have, felt it being held. "I'm s... I'm sorry..."

"Shhh." Kuroo squeezed his hands and ran his thumb across Daichi's fingers. "You're right, I just never thought about it."

Daichi frowned and opened his mouth, but Kuroo wasn't finished.

"I wouldn't have met you if you didn't have his heart, but you're so much more than that." His words echoed in Daichi's brain and he struggled to concentrate on the ones he was saying next. "You're right that I can't be over him, but I'm not confusing you two. When I'm with you..." Kuroo paused. "God, you're so drugged up. You're not going to remember anything I'm saying even if you can hear me. But when I'm with you, I'm with you. I'm with Daichi, and that's who I want to be with. Because... I--"

There was another voice, and Kuroo stepped away from him. Daichi was afraid there would be more yelling, that he wasn't able to say that Kuroo could stay, but the sounds never came. No more sounds came as the drugs washed over him and dragged him into a deep sleep.

When he woke up, the pain was back, and Kuroo was gone, but a skinny man in white was standing near him holding a clipboard.

"Good morning, Sawamura. I've got your tests results."

"What's wrong with me." Daichi's voice was weak. He was tired. He was hurting.

The doctor said a lot of things that Daichi didn't understand. He heart the word 'heart' a few times, heard the word 'liver' and the word 'replaced' and the word 'apologies.' The doctor looked a little nervous, especially when Daichi asked him to repeat himself in smaller words. He fidgeted with the papers on his clipboard for a moment before he spoke.

"The problem with your heart... spread to your liver a few days before the surgery. The hospital miscalculated how quickly-- You'll get completely covered, of course, financially."

Daichi's brow furrowed. "Get... Get what covered?"

"Ah, you're going to have to have another transplant if you want to live longer than a few months. We-- The hospital, that is-- We'll schedule the surgery as soon as we can."

"When do you think I'll be able to get it done?"

There was an awkward sort of pause. "As... As soon as we find you a new liver."

Oh.

"Oh." He said quietly.

"Now, you've got someone waiting to see you, so I'll leave you."

Kuroo stepped in and rushed over to him. "What did he say? I've been asking about you all morning but I--"

"I need a new liver and they don't have one." Daichi smiled wanly. "I've got a few months, though, he said."

Kuroo choked on whatever he was going to say next. "O-oh my god, Daichi." He looked like he was about to cry.

"Hey, Kuroo, what's--" He stopped when Kuroo put his face in his hands.

"... I've lost you, Daichi." He was talking more to himself than anything. "One way or the other, I've lost you."

"One way or...?"

"Fuck!" Kuroo took a deep breath and sighed. "Do you need to stay here for those few months?"

"I think so. I think they want to keep me in case they get a liver, or in case there's... something else they can do."

"Shit." Kuroo's phone rang. "Um."

"Take it."

"H-hello? Yes, I'm at the hospital, and-- No, I'm okay." There was a short silence. "Right now? But I-- No, I can't. Mom!" Kuroo's voice was rising with panic. "Please, I-- No, visiting a friend. I... Okay... I'll see you soon." He hung up the phone and looked at Daichi. "I have to go."

"Okay, that's okay." He forced out a smile that Kuroo returned, after a second.

Kuroo leaned down and kissed him. "It's gonna be alright, Daichi." He didn't sound like he believed it. Daichi didn't believe it, either.

 

That night, Daichi had to sign a bunch of papers so that they could operate on him, just like before.

To. Kuroo. 'they found someone im gonna be fine'

He didn't have time to wait for a response before they put him under.

 

The second time Daichi woke up from his surgery, the first words out of his mouth asked for Kuroo. The nurses didn't know who he was talking about. They asked him to rate his pain. He rated it a seven before he tried to make them understand that there was somebody waiting for him, could they please let him see Kuroo, please. The nurses still didn't know who he meant, so he tried describing him, his looks and personality and what he would probably be wearing. Especially his Nekoma VBC jacket, that would make him easy to identify. but the nurses shrugged or shook their heads and Daichi didn't know how much time was passing but it was too much, too long without Kuroo coming back.

In his head, Daichi ran a list of reasons that Kuroo wouldn't be here. It wasn't a very long list, but it gave him something to do, to concentrate on while the painkillers slowly doped up his mind. The list wasn't very long. Maybe he didn't know Daichi was okay yet, he thought. But Kuroo has been worried and asking about him and get in to see him even when visitors weren't allowed. He'd know. He could be busy, could be with his mom again or--

Or nothing. Daichi honestly thought that Kuroo would be here. Maybe he was, somewhere.

"Sawamura Daichi?" A nurse poked her head in.

"Yes."

"There's someone here to see you. Should I send them in?"

"Of course." There, Kuroo was here, Daichi knew Kuroo would be here.

But it wasn't Kuroo who stepped into his room, not by a long shot. A short woman in a blue uniform was followed by an even shorter man dressed the same, and she sat down in the chair next to his bed. He was red to tell her that she couldn't sit there, because that was Kuroo's chair, and he was expecting Kuroo any minute now. He couldn't though. That would be rude.

You couldn't be rude to the police.

"You're Sawamura Daichi?"

"Yes, I am. Is... there some sort of problem?" Everyone was using his full name and it was making him nervous.

"Does the name Kuroo Tetsurou sound familiar to you?"

Daichi sat up as much as he could, grimacing. "Is he here? Can I see him. Where...?"

"He's not here, Sawamura." The man handed him a small envelope that read simply 'Daichi.' "This is for you. I-- We're sorry."

They were gone before Daichi could ask them why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for referenced suicide in the next chapter which is also the last chapter


	9. Broken

He looked down at the envelope in his hand and frowned, studying the handwriting his name had been printed in. Maybe Kuroo wrote it. Maybe that's why they'd mentioned Kuroo. That would have been enough incentive to open it, but it was already torn open across the top; not even opened properly. Of course it was already opened, though, if the police were involved somehow. Daichi wondered absently what would possess Kuroo to write to him rather than coming to see him. He turned on the tiny television in the room as he took out a folded piece of thick, probably very expensive paper, but the screen caught his attention.

'--says that the death occurred just hours after the deceased signed the papers to become an organ donor. Police are still investigating a possible cause, but have no comments at this time. Moving on to the--" Daichi tuned it out. There was a tiny photo of Kuroo smiling from beside the news reporter, which was quickly replaced by some chart as the business news section progressed.

Daichi's brain hummed. He didn't get it, Kuroo had written to him while Daichi was in the hospital, he couldn't have... He couldn't be...

He stared at the folded paper that he hadn't opened yet and in one instant, his medicine high was gone and he couldn't breathe and he wanted to put it back. He wanted to seal up the envelope and go back but he couldn't and he slowly unfolded the note with a sense of horrible dread. There was a small reddish-brown smear in the corner and Daichi gulped, a painful lump bobbing in his throat as his eyes ran down the page.

 

Daichi-  
They'd better have given you my fucking liver. It's the only one you could get, I guess.  
I'm sorry. If I would have stayed for anyone, Daichi, I would have stayed for you. I would have. But if I had, you would have been the one that was gone. I'm so sorry.  
Please, live, now that you can.  
-Love Kuroo

 

By the time he reached the end, Daichi was sobbing. Kuroo never did get over Kenma, and now he was never going to. He crumpled the note in his hand and bawled, crying so hard the nurses came running, crying so hard they were worried he would rip his stitches. Daichi didn't care. He didn't care what happened to him now, in this moment, when he'd come so close to having Kuroo, having Kuroo be okay. Everything was his fault, again. Always. He sobbed so hard he threw up onto his blankets, and he felt something sharp at his neck before he got dizzy and everything melted away.

 

He didn't want to wake up, but he did. Suga was sitting in the chair (Kuroo's chair) beside him with his torso slumped onto the bed and his hair covering most of his face as he slept. Both of his hands limply sandwiched one of Daichi's and Daichi felt himself starting to cry again. The noise woke Suga up and he hugged Daichi gently as he sobbed.

"Daichi, I'm here. I've got you."

'... I've lost you, Daichi.'

He just cried, and Suga climbed onto the hospital bed with him to comfort him, wrapping his arms around Daichi and letting him cry on his shoulder. But it was wrong, it felt so wrong. The only arms Daichi wanted wrapped around him belonged to Kuroo, and though the touch helped, and he left it, he couldn't hold Suga. He couldn't do anything but cry until he couldn't cry anymore and he had to talk, eventually.

"Suga... What are you doing here?"

Suga shrugged and smiled sadly. "Your parents told me where you were. The hospital staff told them. I-- I saw the news."

"I don't want to talk about it, please."

"Of course." Suga sat back and took one of Daichi's hands again. Daichi couldn't squeeze his hand around Suga's. He couldn't lock his fingers with Suga's because the only person's hand he wanted to hold was Kuroo's. That didn't change just because Kuroo was gone.

'He's not here, Sawamura.'

Daichi sniffed. "Actually, yeah I do."

"Okay, that's also okay."

"I--" He sighed. "I don't know what I can say. I just can't believe... After everything." Suga was quiet. "He loved me. Suga... Suga, he loved me, and he's gone. After he finally loved me."

"He didn't love you for you, Daichi." Suga sounded, of all things, bitter, and he wouldn't meet Daichi's eyes. "He just loved you for Kenma."

Daichi snatched his hand away. "That's a lie, Suga."

"I was just--"

"No, that's a fucking lie. How can you tell me that, Suga, especially now? Especially when it's not even fucking true?"

Suga was looking down at his hands, which he was trying to stop from shaking. "How did he do it, Daichi?" His voice quivered, and after a moment, he locked eyes with Daichi, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. "You fell in love with him so fast... I--"

"Suga..." When he looked at him, for a minute Daichi imagined he knew how Kuroo felt at the start, with Daichi. It was a terrible feeling.

"I c-couldn't do it after almost th-three years." He wasn't looking at Daichi anymore, he was looking at the blank wall above his head as a tear fell right into Daichi's hand. "I'm sorry, Daichi." Suga slid off the bed and picked his coat off of the chair. He closed the door behind him as he left, and Daichi heard a hard thud against it just before Suga's back slid down it and he sat on the floor, crying just outside. He could hear Suga's sobs, though he was obviously trying to muffle them, heard him break down outside his room because he couldn't take another step.

And it hurt. It hurt Daichi more than he though he could be hurt, on top of everything that was already hurting him. He couldn't take it, and even though he'd just stopped crying, he started again, reaching for his phone and tapping Suga's contact.

To: Suga. 'come back'

From: Suga. 'i cant'

A fresh wave of sobs hit his ears through the door and Daichi winced. He didn't want Suga to be upset. He couldn't let Suga be upset.

To: Suga. 'please'

To: Suga. 'i know youre right there, suga'

There was a shuffling, and the door handle jiggled awkwardly for a moment before Suga appeared, face red and puffy and so, so sad.

"Suga, come here." Daichi held his arms out and Suga snuggled against him without saying a word. "What you said... It wasn't completely true. Me, not falling in love with you... Listen. Kuroo-- He's gone, and it hurts, Suga, like nothing else. This stupid surgery hurts less than losing him, but that doesn't mean--" He swallowed. "Kuroo came to me because Kenma died, Suga, and I was all he had to cling to, and he just barely got over that before-- Look, Now he's... He's gone, too. And you have to understand, I can't-- I'm not-- There's just too much--"

"I know, Daichi."

"I've already found you, Suga. I've already fallen, I fell before I even knew Kuroo. But with the circumstances-- I didn't know that you-- I don't know!" He smacked his forehead and Suga took his hand away from his face, lacing their fingers together. "I was more sure of Kuroo, I was more sure that Kuroo... I need time."

"I know, Daichi."

"It's so-- It hurts so much." Daichi took an unsteady breath in. "You can't expect me to be anything, Suga." Suga nodded. "But know that I fell for you so long ago, even if now is the worst possible time for it to come out, even if I can't act on it right now. I have to grieve. I have to get over him, Suga, don't you see? You-- I don't want you to have to wait for me."

"I can wait." Suga whispered.

"I... I love you, but I can't right now."

Suga sniffed and shifted closer. "... I know, Daichi."

The setter fell asleep there on Daichi's hospital bed, snoring gently, and then loudly. Daichi pushed Suga's hair out of his face and he didn't know what to feel. He didn't know how much time he needed, before he was okay. He didn't know how long it would take for him to be over Kuroo even just a little. He didn't know much of anything, at this point in his life.

But he knew that through everything, Suga would be waiting. And beyond that, Suga would be helping him through, walking beside him and shouldering more weight than he should.

Everything was a mess.

But maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe, just maybe...

 

That light was Sugawara Koushi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry i hope you liked this i promise they're happy together eventually


End file.
